My due date is today and this baby does not seem like she is going to make an appearance any time soon. This will not be a rant about the ridiculousness of due dates, although I am tempted make it one.
It is a post about waiting. About tension. About all the complexity of contradiction that the human mind and body can hold.
The complexity of the excitement I have to meet this baby and the way I cuddle my son close, clinging to the last days of him being the only one who needs my attention and time. Knowing that children get siblings all the time and are fine but somehow deeply grieving that our time together, as just me and my little team-mate, will come to an end soon. Will he know deep down that he was the first? That he made me a mama. Will he feel secure in our love for him? Will she? Will she know there is enough love for her too?
I know she is safe in my womb and that having an actual baby is way more difficult than pregnancy and birth, and yet I am at the point where I want her out. I want to meet her. I feel like I am gearing up for the life-changing event that is having a child. There is tension in the gearing up, its as if my mind has switched on the pre-game playlist and I am going through the motions of kitting up and stretching. Its a hard place to stay in for a prolonged period. Ready but resting. Anticipating but not tense.
I have to write lists on priorities and read them often:
BUILD strength (ask for help so that I can rest, be strict with my sleep, exercise and eat well)
Stay PRESENT (don´t escape into my head or a book)
ENJOY the time with my son (hug, play, listen, speak life, ask for God's perspective)
Consciously LOVE my husband (listen to him, share with him, see his heart, celebrate him, spend time with him)
I want to live in this time and not just get through it. Living in the moment is often about living between the big moments.
I write affirmations and say them out loud:
I can rest in God's perfect timing
God is in control of this pregnancy, labour and birth
Jesus is rest
My body knows what it is doing
I can find strength in the waiting
There is no reason to rush this
My baby will come when she is ready
There is an overflow of love here, more than enough
We are equipped to be parents of this child too
This baby is a blessing
I feel the love of those around me
I was chosen to be this baby's mama
My body is designed to do this
My birth will be powerful
I am safe
I am grateful for my ability to do this
I am upheld and surrounded by God
I breathe. I breathe intentionally. I remember what God spoke to me about the streams of Living water. The Holy Spirit flowing from within me.
Streams of living water through my womb
LIFE, the Living God
protection, promises, care
Streams of living water
Through my labour
Streams of living water
Through this baby's life
And so, we wait in the tension. We trust in the tension. The tension I am in is a gracious blessing. Some tensions are not. Some are a lot more heavy. Some are a lot more uncertain. Whatever your tension is, I pray that you find your strategy, that you can somehow find rest and that you can trust deeply in the God that upholds and surrounds you.