I was inspired to write a post on gratitude after listening to an interview on The Happy Hour. Jamie Ivey interviews JP Pokluda about his latest book "Why Do I Do What I Don't Want to Do?". In his book Pokluda contrasts vices with virtues, encouraging people to focus on living the virtue that renders the vice void, instead of fighting against the vice. One part of the conversation stayed with me. In his book he juxtaposes gratitude and entitlement, saying in the interview , "you cannot be grateful for that which you feel entitled". He used the example of wanting appreciation from a spouse for all you do, both parties want appreciation but both don't see what the other is doing because they feel owed those things. It becomes a list. I do this, I do that; both parties feel unseen. There is no margin for gratitude if I feel entitled. If I feel that my husband should be cleaning up after dinner and should be taking out the trash because I cooked and I vacuumed, I will not be grateful for his actions. I think this translates into other aspects of life as well. If I feel owed a certain lifestyle, if I feel deserving of certain treatment from my peers, If I feel entitled to access to certain services and certain foods - then gratitude will be difficult. I am not talking about human right infractions here, where I live there are many things I feel entitled to that don't fall under basic human needs for a good quality of life.
This led me into a reflection on gratitude. Firstly on the parts of my life where gratitude is difficult because I feel entitled, examining why I feel owed those things and seeing how I can honestly let go of that entitlement. It also inspired a reflection on what I have learned about gratitude in the past and how it has shaped my life. Gratitude has been a game changer for my mental health.
Cultivating gratitude is not practicing toxic positivity or some kind of self-repressing optimism. You can be overwhelmed and sorrowful and overtired and in pain. You should honestly articulate how you are feeling without reminding yourself how much worse another person has it. We can hold both gratitude and sorrow within us. Gratitude is a skill that can be trained, not a form of circumstantial or emotional denial. That being said, I cannot write honestly about gratitude without doing it through the lens of my faith. I am limited, it is God who inspires and empowers me to see light and beauty through the haze of challenges or heartache. Where I cannot, He lifts me up. It goes against our nature to give up what we think we deserve, it is very fortunate then that we can draw from the Source who laid down everything, who came to serve and to point us toward a life of humbly loving and serving others.
At the beginning of each year I ask God for a word or picture or concept for the year. A focal point. God uses these to give me direction, hope, instruction and growth. Its a theme as we journey together. It is almost ironic how difficult the year that I got "gratitude" was for me. I start by looking at the word, what does it mean. It is a temporary feeling and a dispositional trait (individual personality, temperament, genetics etc). It involves a process of recognizing (noticing), first, that you have obtained a positive outcome and, second, that there is an external source for that good outcome. Gratitude is both a state of being thankful and an expression of thankfulness. An expression of a positive emotion after being the beneficiary of some sort of gift.
State and expression.
That is the goal, but there is a lot of work that needs to be done between simply walking through life and walking through life in a state - manner or condition of being- of gratitude; expressing gratitude externally as an overflow of the gratitude within.
Gratitude has a lot to do with where I am looking. The state of being grateful starts with practicing over and over again to notice, to see the beauty and the kindness and the miracles in the small things. To notice the sunshine and the clean water and the messages from friends and the smell of the orange my child is attempting to open. To notice the breath in my body and the voice in my throat. Amidst the chaos and sorrow and challenges there is still space in the margins to look at other things too. It is walking in the overcast morning and letting my gaze wonder, stopping arrested at the sight of a single blossoming flower on a branch. A yellow beacon in the grey, joyfully heralding spring. A smile as gratitude washes over me. Notice creativity, notice love, notice the small accomplishments, notice.
Notice, then engage.
Current neuroscience research tells us that our brains encode negative experiences into memory more quickly than positive ones. Engage the moment, sit with it long enough to encode it into your long term memory. This takes about twenty seconds of taking it in with as many senses as you can. Do this often enough and it becomes habit, your internal dialogue changes. Your manner of being changes. A state of being thankful.
To solidify gratitude as a habit, the third step of the process is to express it. I notice my food, spend twenty seconds taking it in. I recognize the goodness and provision of God and then I express my gratitude in a prayer of thanks. I notice the meal that a friend dropped off, I take it in, thinking about the generosity and the time that was put into making and bringing it. I express my thanks in a message or note. Over time many aspects of my day to day life become an expression of gratitude. A smile can be an expression of gratitude, a little dance in my kitchen in response to being alive, a deep breath, a hug, singing It's a Beautiful Day with my son. Overflow of gratitude, for the big things,yes, but mostly for the small ordinary ones.
I have taken weeks to finish this post, sometimes I sit at my desk and my sleep deprived brain splutters, I stare at the words I have written and they blur together. I tell myself to try again another time and I remember to cling to the gratitude practices in my day. Habits are there for times when it is difficult, times that you are left with your rhythms to carry you when your motivation cannot. I say this because I know its hard work to form habits, but the effort is worth it.
My favorite quote on gratitude, by Arielle Estoria, can be found written or stuck in many places in my home. It encourages me. I hope it may encourage you. I hope that you practice gratitude until it becomes a part of you. It is an important source of human strength.
“I don’t want to carry gratitude in seasons. I want to carry it in my bones. I want it to rest on my tongue like a language that never stops speaking.”
Notice, Engage, Express. Again and again. May you be an unwavering carrier of gratitude.
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