Having a baby is a crazy thing. The newness, the physical challenge of birth and recovery, the anxiety, the protectiveness, the hormones, the feeding, the wonder, the sleeplessness, the love, the overwhelm.
There were beautiful moments today. Family cuddles, a bit of alone time with my eldest, intense gratitude, friends dropping off meals, bonding with my newborn, sharing my thoughts with a friend, a short nap. BUT, mixed in to it all were moments of sadness, moments of overwhelm, moments where I felt the weight of responsibility that is another life in our care, moments where I wondered how on earth I could give so much of myself again, moments of uncertainty about my choices.
Funny how a day can hold so much! Funny how a heart can hold so much. Aren't I grateful that a life can hold so much? Yes, yes I am.
Within all of this craziness and fullness, four individuals are slowly finding their way as a family unit. We all have needs and desires, some which can be met or helped and others which cannot. Some which might frustrate someone else or contradict their needs or desires. Yet we all have them and that is alright. We are allowed. This is a reminder to myself. We are allowed. Have compassion and empathy. We are allowed these feelings.
To my newborn: you are allowed to want to be held a lot. You are allowed to cry if your tummy hurts. You are allowed to take time to find a rhythm. You are allowed to wake up at night. You are allowed to want our attention. You are allowed to take up space in this family.
To my toddler: you are allowed to want Mama and nobody else. You are allowed to be frustrated when you don´t get our attention. You are allowed to be sad when Mama is comforting your sister and not you, or nursing her instead of helping you with something. You are allowed to wake up at night and want cuddles. You are allowed to battle with all the change and cling to what is familiar. You are allowed to want extra love and attention when you are sick. You are allowed to feel uncertain. You are allowed to have lots of big feelings.
To my husband: you are allowed to feel overwhelmed. You are allowed to feel frustrated when our son only wants me but I can´t be there and you have to deal with it. You are allowed to feel tired and to say it. You are allowed to feel anxious about how this will all work out and what will happen when your paternity leave is done. You are allowed to feel hopeless in moments of tantrums and chaos.
To myself: you are allowed to feel sad for your toddler. You are allowed to need help and advice. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to want someone to take care of you. You are allowed to give space to the feelings that surface. You are allowed to say when it is all too much physically. You are allowed to hold contradicting thoughts and feelings. You are allowed to complain about your headache instead of just pretending to be fine.
Just saying these things helps me hear my husband when he says he is tired and meet him there instead of being offended because he obviously doesn't see how inappropriate it is to mention his tiredness to the person who gave birth and is hormonal and nursing and up more at night. Check my heart. He is tired, he does a lot. He is allowed to be tired. Compassion. Togetherness. Team. Saying this helps me comfort my baby in a calm way when she cries at night instead of frantically trying to soothe her to prevent her from waking her brother. She is allowed to cry and she needs my calm presence. Saying this helps me have compassion for my son when he wakes up for the fifth time because his nose is blocked and he feels sick. He wants comfort and security. Saying this helps me acknowledge my frustration or fear instead of suppressing it as unhelpful. Grace with myself. We don´t need to live in these feelings but we can have them and acknowledge them.
We are all doing our best. In some moments that will be enough, in other moments it won´t. I hope that in these moments we remember we are not alone. We have friends, we have access to other forms of help and advice. Where we can´t, perhaps someone else can. And where no one can, we take comfort in human resilience, the fact that challenges bring about growth. Mostly, we trust in the goodness and faithfulness of a profoundly loving God. "Even here, my soul is steady." Morgan Harper Nichols
